Dead Language? I think not. My Letter to EVGA.

DIES LUNÆ A.D. VIII KAL. DEC. MMDCCLXII A.U.C. (December 7, 2009)
Joe Darwin, EVGA Head Of Marketing
3230 East Imperial Highway Suite 116
Brea, CA 92821

Salve! M.Joeus Darwinus,
I am writing this letter to inform you of a unique opportunity that I believe can be extremely beneficial to your company. I have purchased many EVGA cards in the past and have been very pleased by the quality and service I have received. There is no other company I would choose for my video graphic acceleration needs. However, I have noticed a rather disturbing fact about your company that I wish to rectify.
Despite having Polish, German, Dutch, French and Russian representatives, I was dismayed to find that you lack a representative in the Latin language!
While you may look at the statistics and find that it may not be financially effective to have a representative in the Latin Language, I urge you to read on and discover how useful such a position would be.
First of all, as you very well may know, the Vatican City currently employs Latin as its official state language. With the rise of abortion, outer space exploration, genetic engineering and other pressing theological issues to deal with, this small country, along with the Catholic Holy Elite, is sure to be one of the most stressed out states in the world.
I often use your video cards for enjoyment and stress relief. I am sure that popes, cardinals, and flying nuns would feel the same way. Imagine the untapped market available by reaching out to the international Catholic seminary!
However, I understand that catholic priests are a shrinking lot, and that much of their possible computer playing time is taken up by playing with much more exciting little boys, so this may not be the best strategy to increase current sales at this time.
So, I advise you, look to the future by remembering the past!
I need not remind you that for centuries the Roman Empire was at the pinnacle of technological advancements and cultural progressiveness. Latin was spoken throughout most of the known world, and for more than a thousand years later, any speech or documentation was spoken or written in none other language than Latin.
Now, considering Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity and the theorem regarding the speed of light and the possible speed of interstellar travel, it would make most sense that any extraterrestrial would have had its first exposure to human behavior and civilization in the Language of Latin, whether it be the peak of Roman society, the Byzantine era, the dark ages, or the medieval period.
Imagine the possibilities. An Alien race with the technology to reach our planet from light-years away comes to Earth, and EVGA, with its Latin Language Consultant already established, is instantly able to share and learn from the new visitors, with no communication issues at all. You would have the complete upper hand on any competitor trying to capitalize on this Close Encounter of the Fifth Kind. The potential is literally out of this world!
I have several years in classroom Latin learning, and would be perfect to serve as EVGA’s personal Latin Language consultant. It would not be necessary to keep me on payroll or recognize me as an employee or outside consultant. I would not need any special recognition or any official documentation with your company. Just know that, when the time comes, I will be ready to serve. At that time I will expect payment for services rendered.
I hope this letter has enlightened you, and it was as much for you pleasure to read as it was for me to write.
For a Latin translation of this letter please email: amanthewinner@gmail.com

Vale,

Aman Birk

P.S. I have been attempting to purchase two EVGA Nvidia GTX 275’s for quite along time now. I wish to use them in SLI for a new computer build. The problem is, my currency is being rejected from all resellers of your material. I hope that you see to fix this problem of the impudence and ungratefulness of the retailers for your goods. According to Emperor Diocletan’s “Edict of Prices” issued in 301 AD my salt is worth 100 denarii’s per liter as official currency. The generally accepted exchange rate to US dollars is about 26 dollars to the denarii. I have included ¼ of a liter of salt, to an amount equivalent to USD 560 dollars. I hope this covers the amount as well as shipping. Thank you for assisting me in this matter. The salt is iodized, if that is to any use.

[I have yet to receive a response or compensation for my salt. My substanstial private investment in a backyard salt mine has been rendered useless upon stumbling upon Sodium Chloride in my local market, for a much lower value than I had been informed. Donations to help recoup these losses would be greatly appreciated! ]