Irvine: Statistically the Most Dangerous City in the World

By Shockpen

I woke up one Monday morning, looked out my window, and saw something that sucked: Irvine. I rose groggily from bed and opened the shutters, looking out over the safest city in America. There are no power lines, no alleys, no dumpsters, not even hobos. There is one thing it does have though, and that’s safety.

Irvine is statistically the safest city in America. Why does this suck? There’s a multitude of reasons, and they’re all more or less completely qualified and capable of single-handedly screwing up my day. I’ve thought long and hard on the subject, and I believe that I speak for the masses when I say that perhaps a little too much of a good thing is a bad thing when regarding Irvine’s security. After living here for a few years and meditating on it for a few hours, I managed to gather up a few of the more significant reasons why Irvine sucks, and why too much safety is bad for you. Here, my fellow Irvinians, are some of the reasons why Irvine is the most dangerous city in America.

Our Roads Suck! I was coming to school one morning and I almost got ran over by an angry soccer mom driving a Jeep Cherokee like it was an Abrams tank. The expression on her face was that of someone who would take great pleasure in slowly squishing me under her wheels, then backing up over me and doing it again, until I was nothing but road pancake. At the intersection near Wholesome Choice, there have been a grand total of twelve traffic deaths. They were probably all committed by this one crazy devil-mom I would have to say, but the thought remains in my head that every time I cross the street Joe Stupid might run me over because he has to get to work an hour early to impress his boss, or that Misses Murderwheels might squish me so she can get her kid to school faster than the rival moms down the street.

And I still have the tire marks to prove it. Here we are, safest city in America, and crossing the street is like playing dodge ball against the U.S. marines. Perhaps that’s why there are no power lines, because Joe Stupid ran over all of them. It doesn’t particularly help that people living in Long Beach and Laguna Hills use Irvine like a giant smoggy highway; maybe at most half the people on Irvine’s roads at rush hour actually live in Irvine. This all, unfortunately, goes to show that Irvine isn’t the safest city in the country when every street is continuously waging trench warfare against the helpless pedestrians that cross them.

The News Is Boring! If you turn on the news in Irvine, you don’t get anything interesting. You don’t get: “Hey, Bob, I just received an update on the armed truck robbery currently taking place on Michelson. A startling new development just got reported from our on-the-scene reporter: as we speak police are engaged in a deadly shootout with three masked suspects with AK 47’s!” What you do get in the way of news is: “Irvine deputy charged with shoplifting a doughnut from K-mart. The man, known as Deputy Charles Boredsville, has a history of these shocking crimes, including a theft from a free-sample booth at Ralphs. However, as reporter Bored Charlesville states, he also has a record of heroic victories, including the time when he bravely risked his life heroically rescuing a cat from a tree. In other news Nameless Celebrity A, in Malibu, has received plastic surgery and…” I turn on the TV, realize that that’s what’s on, and turn it off, then proceed to entertain myself by watching the exhilarating process of paint slowly drying on a wall. I don’t want to wake up to the soothing sounds of Martha Stewart in the morning, telling me about how to make peach cobbler with only the ingredients that can be found in a federal prison cafeteria. I want Action! Grit! Blood! Exciting Dialogue!

That last one was too much to hope for, but I think a culturally suppressed Irvine isn’t necessary, and that maybe it would be a good thing for Irvine to lighten up a little.

The People Are Boring! Of all the major problems in Irvine, perhaps the worst is the mindset of its citizens. “Blending in like human wallpaper is my favorite activity! I love this exciting and vibrant city! Long live boredom! Beige house paint is cool!” I swear, if this city actually had elevators, they’d be the most awkward elevators of any elevator in the world. “Hi.” *elevator music, unfortunately it’s probably the Backstreet Boys* “So, nice weather we’re having.” “Yeah, nice.” “I like your tie.” “Yeah, you too.” “Yeah…” “So…” “Aghem.” “So, nice weather we’re having.” “Yeah, nice…” Does this sound FUN to you? Is this what you want taking up your life? (By the way, statistically, your life is about a sixth of the way over right now. If you’re 15 and you live to be 90, that’s a sixth of your life down the toilet. I don’t recommend living here after you graduate.)

This place is also the capital of the cubicle, just to remind you. I’ve seen those pictures of cubicles, and spending eight hours a day in those would be like sitting in a phone booth all day doing nothing but writing your name over and over on a piece of paper until the paper gets filled up, then taking out another sheet and getting started on it again… for eight hours… in a phone booth (and by the way the phone booth is painted grey).

It’s Irvine! You can’t shake it guys, you live in Irvine! What’s that sound? Oh that’s just the sound of merciless, grinding boredom! What’s that smell? That’s the smell of brain-washing disguised as Academic Success. This is the place where, if you walk into an honors classroom and say “Hey Kevin,” everyone will look up. This is the place where, if you go in the supermarket, all they sell is white bread. This is the place where Everyone Drives An SUV… or even worse, the Honda Odyssey, a.k.a. parent-mobile! Do you know why? It’s because this place sucks! Being around this kind of boredom continuously is like working at a nuclear waste disposal plant wearing a suit made out of asbestos, mercury, and solidified processed cancer while smoking solid uranium; it’s gonna screw you up. The safest city in America? I would say, and I think people will back me up on this, that it’s definitely the most boring city in America. And being exposed to that much suburban stupid-radiation is Bad For You. And that’s why Irvine, statistically speaking, is the most dangerous city in the world.